Two years ago today….

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One short private scan changed my life forever. Hearing the words ‘there’s one…..and there’s the other one’ will stay with me until the day I die. 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant with allegedly non identical twins. Two years ago today was the day I started crying and then for various obvious other reasons I cried pretty much constantly for the year.
We’ve been to the zoo today, took my mum along for the adventure. E loves the zoo anyway, mainly for the splashpad. Its been a year since we last went, it was easy on my own then. The twins only required bottles and were in a feeding routine so I knew when & they were content to sit in the pushchair and watch the world go by. Not this year. Watching them explore the zoo with their big sisters guidance today has been amazing. The shrieks of ‘ooh whats that?!’ & ‘whats in there?’ from the twins was a personal highlight for me, hearing them giggle as monkeys swung past them on ropes. The picnic where they didn’t bother to sit down but chased birds and fed ducks monster munch (sorry zoo keepers!) has left me exhausted but no one escaped, or got lost, they didn’t eat a lot but that’s ok. Getting soaked rescuing O from the splashpad when she freaked out was a personal low but the 5 minutes of joy before that made it worthwhile. And as we dried them off & mopped ice cream off their faces/hands/pushchair/hats (that obviously they wouldn’t keep on) and I watched them fall asleep whilst E visited the butterfly house for the fourth time I realised how far we’ve come. I never wanted 3 babies, it wasn’t my number. I was distraught when I found out it was twins, and that was before my marriage broke down. And some days are still so hard and the fighting is relentless but other days, like today, when you see the world through their eyes and watch them experience new things together as a team – thats special. Everyone’s parenting journey is different, and of course special. But twins? That is extra special, I see that now. For anyone who’s expecting twins and isn’t sure how to feel about it, it’s ok to be terrified but I promise even though you won’t know which ones which/your own name/what day it is when they arrive, one day in a random moment you’ll realise you wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Answering back and climbing

The joys of answering back are in full swing at the moment. E has an answer for everything and to be fair to her they’re not usually wrong but just sometimes I dont want to hear the perfectly logical argument from a 4yr old, especially not when it illustrates so clearly I have raised a miniature version of myself. I’m doing it again with the twins, I can tell but I don’t know how to stop it….
O’s climbing is continuous, to the extent if i say her name she shouts ‘get down’ as an automatic response….. or my particular favourite this morning before I’d even had chance to finish saying her name was ‘NO! You get down’…. well i would but I’m not the one standing on the sodding tv stand.
All this climbing has forced me to look for beds for them way before I’d imagined doing so, I’m not sure there’s enough wine in the world for this next adventure……

Back to reality

My house looks like toys r us threw up in it, my utility room is full of washing and ironing, my tv has finger marks on it – my girls are home.
Its been a long week, I submitted my final essay for my first module. That’s my full time studying days over, i shall plod along part time & enjoy my final summer with the girls before everything changes again. E will go to school & after christmas L & O will go to nursery and I’ll go back to work. Because part time work and part time study will be loads easier than full time study…..
I had to cook dinner tonight, the only times I’ve been home this past week I’ve ordered takeaways…. I’ve had a varied diet though – Chinese, Indian, Mexican, Thai, Italian. I’ve enjoyed meals out and in with good friends, caught up with others over drinks & had one of the better dates with an internet random…..Hopefully this one will make it to a second date…..
I even received recognition, that it is hard. That they only did a week & there were two of them, that I’m doing it better than he could if the roles were reversed, that I deserve a break & he’s right, it is hard & I do, yet I’m still aware of people judging….what kind of mother can leave her children for a week?? The kind that gives a shit and really does have those children’s best interests at heart, thats who.
So now its back to reality, no more cruising around town in the Jag, its back to the people carrier for me. No nipping to the shop after 7pm because I’ve run out of wine, fewer inappropriate tunes on my ipod, starting the day at 6am, wanting to call it a day at midday. That’s life again now & watching 3 pairs of little shoe clad feet running up to me earlier with chubby outstretched arms I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The kids are off on holiday this week…

Without me, and i am looking forward to..

Sleeping in past 5am
Cleaning the house and it staying tidy for more than 10 minutes
Watching something other than Disney junior on the tv (a tv void of tiny handprints!!)
Finding the floor in the playroom & sorting out all of the toys
Eating out without needing to find 2 highchairs & a table big enough to accommodate them. Then having to basically tie the mini houdinis into them to make their bid for freedom last long enough so I can choose what I want to eat.
My clothes (hopefully) staying clean for longer than 20 minutes.
Going shopping in peace, not having to navigate the pushchair through tightly packed aisles.
Eating lunch later than 11am (as I won’t be getting up at 5!)
Going to bed later than 10pm (because I’m not getting up at 5!)

Joking aside its mixed emotions to be honest. A whole week to myself, the possibilities are endless. I will miss them, I know I will but I also feel a bit guilty about how excited I am about this week ‘off’. I’m not worried about them being away from me, this is the longest it’s been but I’m confident they’ll cope ok. They’re adjustable little creatures. Im not looking forward to the packing beforehand or the washing after though…

It’s been a year…

Give or take a few days. A year since I admitted it didn’t work anymore, that I didn’t even want it to. You can’t compete with another woman, if you’ve got any self respect you’ll refuse to. Friends last weekend commented on it coming up to the year mark, lots of ‘what a difference a year makes’ type comments & it’s clichéd but it really does. I think I spent most of the previous year crying & panicking about going it alone so last year was definitely easier to call time on it. I did cry, I cried a lot on some people (you know who you are, sorry!!) But once I’d said the words out loud to a couple of friends it became more about practical stuff, keeping a roof over our heads, splitting myself 3 ways without going insane or becoming an alcoholic.
When I look back on everything I’ve done over the past year I’m proud of me,  I’ve averaged 80% in my first year of studying, I’ve kept 3 little monsters alive & I’ve been on more dates than I ever thought possible. They’ve mainly been a bit shit but I can laugh about them now. I’ve learnt so much about me, how strong someone can be when they have to be & it’s definitely shaped my future and my expectations….Might have to lower them a bit if I don’t want to be single forever but not right now.
This next year is about continuing to study, but part time because I’ve realised how silly it was to try full time with 3 small people under my feet. Getting E off to school in September, the twins some nursery places for January, then me back to work. Part time because I’m not superhuman but working non the less.

The terrible twins

My phones autocorrect often changes ‘twins’ to ‘ruins’ – I like it, it describes them quite well.
15 months old and walking now, I thought it’d be getting easier, hahahaha what a nob! It’s actually harder than its ever been, I’d quite happily never leave the house with them in tow again to be honest.
I’d blocked out this part of the learning to walk and turning into a toddler process with E, I’d forgotten they don’t give a shit which direction you want to walk in & that it takes them a month to walk from the front door to the bottom of the drive  (a mere car length if anyone’s interested). Every stone/flower/feather/weed/piece of rubbish/dog/man on a bike must be inspected with much pointing and babbling and oooooh, looooook, what is it?, bending down & trying to touch it. Then there’s all the times they don’t want to walk, they want to sit down, they need to be carried. Guess what? One adult + two children = not enough arms. Someones upset, thankfully it hasn’t been me yet but I don’t think it’ll take long 😂 I’m going to be using the pushchair until they’re in school I can see it.

Then there’s the fighting. It’s relentless. I torture myself watching videos of twins younger than these two giving each other cuddles and kisses, the only things my two give each other are grief and bruises. It sometimes starts off as fun and games, gorgeous laughter but within 30 seconds there’s a finger in an eye or a clump of hair on the floor & chaos & screaming break out again. Some days I’m stroking the chilled wine bottle in the fridge at midday, counting down the hours till bedtime & peace. Not much relaxing because there’s essays to write & books to read but at least my vocabulary extends past ‘stop it’, ‘be nice’, ‘& that’s not kind’ after 7pm.

12 hours later it all starts again, it’s so relentless. Im glad to be a single parent, I’m glad to get every other weekend to myself, & I don’t feel in the least bit bad to be glad about it, I don’t know how couples survive twins – maybe their ‘ruins’ are just nicer than mine 😉

It’s been a while…

I haven’t posted for ages, life’s running away with me. E is now 4 & I survived a year with twins. Survived 14 months actually, watching them wobble around the living room this morning I had a ‘shit there’s 2 of them‘ moment. Haven’t had one of those for a while. Im still wishing their little days away, when they can walk properly it’ll be easier, when they don’t need a daytime nap it’ll be easier, when they can talk it’ll be easier, but I know it won’t really, it’ll just be different.
E starts school in 6 ish months, how did that happen?! Watching her grow has been amazing, I don’t love the attitude that being 4 brings but I’m sure going to miss her when she’s not here entertaining us all with her games & ideas. I look at her & i’m proud of me. I did that, she’s all me & she’s awesome & if her sisters are half as good then I’ll be pleased with myself. 
My degree’s currently full time, that was a silly idea. I’ve taken on too much, won’t make that mistake again. I’m enjoying it & I was doing well when it was part time. It’s fine though, I want to do as well as I can with it & I want to enjoy my time with my children so I won’t be cramming it into 3 years, it’ll take as long as it takes & if there’s some shit jobs along the way then there’s some shit jobs along the way. I’ll get there, I’ll still achieve my goals.